On finding your path
and my first months as a full-time artist
It’s been a little over three months since I became a full-time artist. A few people have remarked that I’m inspiring, brave, or must be quite disciplined in order to do what I’m doing. I always feel a little surprised by these comments because from my perspective it feels innate—this is what I have to do.
“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards, they try to have more things or more money in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are then do what you need to do in order to have what you want.”
― Margaret Young, singer
Do I know where it’s taking me? No, and I don’t really care to know right now. Although I’m developing my craft, I’d say more of my work is mental. I’m becoming less tied to the outcome and more to the process. There’s a lot of joy in creating whatever I want, without worrying about whether it will be for sale, specifically. Yes, I can draw rocks if I want to (see below). Yes, I will have to care that we live in a capitalist society eventually, but I saved up so that I could listen to myself first. I still have a lot of doubts but at the same time I feel pretty confident that I’ll be successful in the long run. I could say a lot about what success even means, but more on that another time.
This mindset has taken a long, long time to develop and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the work of a lifetime. I’m a recovering perfectionist, people-pleaser, rule-follower, and some other buzzwords too. My inner critic was extremely loud and I listened to it.
It wasn’t until 2021 that I started to listen to the voice in my head saying I wanted to pursue art full-time. But accepting it? That took another year. Even then, I thought I needed to prove to myself that I could be successful as a full-time artist before actually pursuing it, e.g. make enough money from it as a side hustle that pointed towards an upwards trajectory. To that end, I made an extensive multi-stage plan full of goals and tasks. I only completed some of the first stage, which left me with a lot of shame to work through. I saw others follow this process, so why couldn’t I?
I eventually discovered that what I actually needed was energy. In the Summer of 2023 I got a late diagnosis for Inattentive ADHD, which was life-changing. It explained so much. My job as a UI/UX designer took both a lot of creative and social power, and I found I just could not manage my personal life, my job, and a thriving creative practice. When I did have a thriving creative practice, building The (Re)Salvaged Spoon on weekends and evenings for months, other parts of my life suffered and I faced burnout. It took me about 4 months to recover from it.
With greater understanding of how my brain works, I began to accept I might have to do things differently. Rather than prove I’d be successful via a side hustle, I’d have to fully make the leap and trust that it would work out. I didn’t even make a plan for my first few months as a full-time artist. I just had a very simple goal to experiment a lot and figure out what I liked making. I thought maybe I would paint a lot, but spoiler, that isn’t what happened.
I’ve spent a lot of this time reflecting on what it is I actually want to make, and trying to honor it as best I can. “Just be yourself,” a phrase I often heard as a kid, and I always wondered, what does that mean? Who am I? Since my college years when I started going to therapy, my core goal in life has been to be myself more and more every day. I imagine myself as an old lady, totally weird, totally sure of myself.
I’ve been reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron again, which is a rather spiritual workbook on how to live a more creative life. In Chapter 5 she talks about relying on “the source within.” I could understand relying on some kind of external source of intangible creative energy, but within?
After mulling it over, this is how I interpret “the source within.” We all have a self that feels the most true and at one with our values, so first, you must have an idea of what that is. Then, you must have the courage to enact that true self. But how do you have that courage? By knowing it is the only way. If I were to end up drawing this, it would be a rather circular, daily process. I know I’m making this sound easy—it’s not. It is very difficult to allow myself what I truly want sometimes. Difficult in a less satisfying way, so too is denying what I want.
A while back a friend gifted me the book The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, published in 1923, which I finally got around to reading. It’s a rather simple but insightful story in which a man has been called back to his homeland, but before he departs, the townspeople ask him to speak on various topics such as love, work, friendship, etc. Here is an excerpt from On Self-Knowledge that resonated with me:
Say not, ‘I have found the truth,’ but rather, ‘I have found a truth.’
Say not, ‘I have found the path of the soul.’ Say rather, ‘I have met the soul walking upon my path.’
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.
All this is to say, I think the best I can do is to honor myself today and create what I want today, rather than wonder what the outcome will be and what that means for my path. I trust that the next step will become clear.
That doesn't mean I don’t have dreams about my long-term future, or goals for the near future—perhaps I’ll develop a public art park someday and I’d like to design some wallpaper this year—but I allow those dreams to change as I change and I accept opportunities I didn’t dream of.
If I’d held on so tightly to my past dreams of being a UI/UX designer, I wouldn’t have become a full-time artist. And if I’d made a concrete plan to focus on painting, I don’t know that I would’ve signed up for a pottery class at the studio that opened down the street. And surprisingly, I’ve discovered that pottery is more fulfilling to my creative soul—at least for today.
A final thought for you
Rather than ask, “What is my path in life?” ask, “What is my truth today?” And if you can, take one tiny step to accept and act on that truth.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading my first post! I love writing and am looking forward to sharing more. :)